Don’t Read This!

by Sonia Deasy, Pestle & Mortar

Well read it if you must then.

Because I have been instructed by my Husband and Marketing Manager Padraic to write a monthly blog-post when I’m really not a writer, and because it’s December, a month when my head spins while the tills ring, a month which arrives out of the blue so that I turn in shock and wonder where the year went, wonder whether the Santa lists are done, pray that Santa will arrive, wonder who’s coming for dinner, think about what products are launching next year and cry when I realise that next year is only a few days away…………..because of all that, I am writing this under pressure and without the love and because of that, I don’t want anyone to read it. I am merely fulfilling an obligation.

Reading back over that rant, I apologise. The real reason for the title is that this is my experiment in reverse psychology. I am going to measure the number of click-throughs on this post and then make a blanket judgement with regard to the fact that it appears that everyone in the world behaves like my children do. If you tell them not to do something, they do it. If they think that you want them to do something, they don’t do it. Maybe as a direct control to this experiment, I will call my next post ‘Read this!’ and see what happens.

Christmas is absolutely hectic but good. Pestle & Mortar has been exceptionally busy and though it’s tiring, there’s a fantastic buzz amongst the team and we’re looking forward to 2018…..even though I cried two paragraphs ago when I realised that it’s just around the corner!

 

The Deasy Santa Letter Guidelines

I have five children. We must have some rules. The Santa Letter rules are not referred to as ‘rules’, they are referred to as ‘guidelines’. The guidelines were formulated by the Elves over many centuries. There follows a synopsis of the guidelines:

 

  • Thou shalt not ask for anything with ‘limited edition’ in the title
  • Thou shalt not ask for anything that can breathe by itself
  • Thou shall specify exact quantity and type of batteries required in order that things work on Christmas morning
  • Thou shall specify whether one of those teeny tiny screwdrivers is required and tell your father to buy a pack of them in case Santa forgets to include one
  • Thou shalt not make any list changes after December 2nd
  • Thou shalt not ask for toys that repeat the same phrase over and over and over again

 

The Perfect Females 

Girls. Honestly, I have three daughters and they put me under more pressure at Christmas time than CEO’ing ever could! My eldest, Sophia, is the main instigator. She has a fixed view of what Christmas needs to be and it comes directly from a book of Fairytales. Her idea of Christmas Décor in the home comes directly from Harper’s Bazaar Interiors. Her idea of Christmas Dinner is inspired by Martha Stewart herself. Not for her silver tinsel and homemade baubles. She wants everything ‘just so’ and she wants me to do it! I don’t indulge her fully – it appears that just discussing what one could do (ad infinitum) appeases her to some extent. This year, however, she had one special request and that was, ‘Mum, can you ask the Bachelor Brothers not to cheat at Monopoly this year?’ I can certainly ask I told her.

Which brings me on to………..

The Bachelor Brothers 

I have four brothers, two of whom remain bachelors. They are younger than me, and together, we comprise the ‘young ones’ in a family of six. We like to think we’re slightly trendier and more fun than the older three.  My Bachelor Brothers are 39 and 40 years old. Because they have no wives, they have not received the training that a man receives when married for a few years. They have no children and my mother is despairing over them. They are largely stuck back in their teens in fact and every year, they come to me for Christmas Day. They can eat more than anyone I have ever seen. They can emit bodily noises at will. They take up the entire sofa. And they are messy – really messy. They fling jackets over chairs, they move perfectly placed candles, they eat Tayto sandwiches with no plate and they cheat at Monopoly. They have special powers whereby within minutes of entering the house, they have convinced Padraic that he too is a teenage bachelor. He begins to mimic their behavior! They are the direct antithesis to The Perfect Females but guess what? It just wouldn’t be the same without them………….and by the way Sophia, cheating at Monopoly is in their DNA!

 

 Monopoly is not a game

Christmas Monopoly is not a game. It is real life. It changes family dynamics. As we sit around the world-famous board after dinner, the entire family turns into a school of entrepreneurial sharks. If I don’t get Mayfair, I hate whoever does…………but I always get it of course, along with its partner in poshness, Park Lane. My children become my adversaries. I wish for the Bachelor Brothers to remain in Jail and visit them infrequently. Padraic begrudgingly pays me rent. Someone always cries. If my 7- year old forgets to collect her €200 when passing Go, it’s tough. There is no mercy. We will bankruptcy and hard times upon each other. And of course, everyone hates the Banker.

 

 

Here’s wishing everyone a very Happy Christmas filled with fun and family!

Share this post